Hubby took me for a long drive today, deep into the countryside, past the fields and the animals, the old barns and the farmhouses, a trek that normally brings me peace and contentment, but not today, for me today, it was just unsettling. I did snap a picture of this cow, she was looking right at me, and I do love a good cow picture. 😀
I’ve had a difficult spring this year and it all boils down to one thing, I’m homesick for the days of my childhood. It would do me no good to revisit where I grew up, where my grandparents and family lived, everything has changed, I miss the way it was when I was a little girl, not the changes that have come with time.
Today was filled with flashbacks to those earlier days. I can vividly remember the sound of the glass rattling in the front door as it shut and the creak of the porch swing where I spent many hours. I can even remember the feel of the uneven boards against my feet as I pushed the swing. Mother’s Irises lined the driveway and they would be in bloom now, all thirty feet of them planted in a row like soldiers by the side of the driveway and the smell was wonderful. I’ve always loved the smell of Iris, even better than roses. I love honeysuckle, too. We had a tall tree stump in the backyard with a mass of wild honeysuckle growing on it. Oh that smell, there is nothing better in the evening after a spring rain than the smell of blooming honeysuckle.
In my mind I can hear the sound of the back screen door slamming as I carried a dishpan of vegetable peelings to the chickens in their pen. I miss the lay of the land and the trees now long gone. Cherry and apple, maple and my favorite cottonwood tree. I loved the rustle of it's leaves and the puffs of cotton that blew in the wind. And of course, my beloved ditch. The rushing water so clear you could see the stones in the creek bed and my very favorite childhood place to play. I miss my faded lavender striped sheets, always fresh from the line on Saturday night and the clean, outdoorsy smell of them as I tucked into bed.
I even miss the birds. I’ve only seen one red-winged blackbird this year in middle Tennessee. Its my favorite, we had so many in our trees at home, and I loved their bird song. I think of the June bugs and how I would chase them at dusk and put them in a Ball jar to glow in the dark, I loved taking long walks on our dusty country road and coming home to a glass of syrupy sweet tea in an aluminum glass, the green one was my favorite, the tea so frosty cold that it would hurt my teeth. I miss mother’s Sunday dinners, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, home canned corn, Bunny Bread Brown ’n Serve Dinner Rolls and her bird egg beans. They were the best, those beans, oh how I enjoyed them.
I just miss living alongside nature and the natural rhythms that come with it. I have access to the country, but I don’t live in the country. I can no longer step outside my door to total quiet, with just the smells and the sounds of nature and the occasional sound of the train winding down Appel’s hill. Many times I’ve had LC take me to the country road I lived on as a young girl, turn off the car, roll down the windows and just listen to the sounds of my childhood.
And so I shake off these memories and get on with living, not quite understanding why this year it has been so bittersweet for me. But this too shall pass and tomorrow I won’t be so nostalgic. It’s a good life I have now, but oh those memories, sometimes they just come back and tug at your heartstrings… ~ Jan
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