Wednesday, September 5, 2007

It was truly HELLISH, it really was....


Do ya all know about SPANX? If you do, you are shaking your head, saying "oh dear, you poor thing" but if you're not familiar with Spanx, girlfriends, let me enlighten you. They are truly, TRULY, the most torteous item of fat girdling spandex that you will EVER try to put on your body. For real they are. They are high waisted, mid-thigh length panties that you somehow try to squeeze your body into in an attempt to look less lumpy. That's pretty much it in a nutshell.

I've been reading about SPANX for some time now, celebrities are crazy about them, my friend Barb swears by them, my daughter-in-law, Lindsay, loves them. I tried them on, well actually I just took them out of the package and shuddered at the size of them this spring while on a trip to Nashville. Tonia tried them on, and she was shrieking in the dressing room that there was no way she was going to wear them (smart daughter-in-law of mine) and I just totally said fuggedabout it...

Well time passes, desperation sets in and last week while I was in Lexington at Chico's, I plopped down the $35 for a pair of SPANX, in a size 1... Lindsay said that it was going to be fine, that after you put them on 2 or 3 times they stretch to fit you. Right, Dilly, sure they do....

So I'm back home, getting ready to go out for dinner in a new pair of jeans a size smaller than I've been wearing 'cause all my wacky dieting efforts are finally paying off, and I'm thinking that the Spanx might just be what I need because my new jeans are not exactly loose, so I take them out of the wrapper, having flashbacks from last spring , but determined that I was going to put the damned things on. Now let me explain that when you unfold them, they look like they might possibly fit on one thigh they are so narrow. Actually they look like they might possibly fit a preteen anorexic body. Lindsay told me to just be patient, to put them on slowly and that it would be fine.

Well, she might be able to pull them on her cute little body, but OMG, let me tell you it was positively HELL trying to get them on my middle aged, donut ravaged body. I pulled and I tugged and I yanked, and I only had them up to the middle of my thighs. By this time I was breaking out in a sweat, but I had to keep going, so I dusted myself with baby powder and up they went. Inch by inch, standing on one leg, then the other, pulling and yanking until FINALLY, FINALLY I get them to my waist.

Whew, I had to take a rest before I attempted to pull them all the way up under my boobs. I'm seriously perspiring by now, sitting under the ceiling fan with it on high in an attempt to cool off a bit before I finished packing myself into them. I called Linds on the phone to tell her that I at least had them to my waist, and she's assuring me that they will stretch out. All I can think is why didn't I get them in a size 2, why did I have to believe the stupid sizing charts anyway. What do they know...

So I'm sitting on the side of the bed, positively gasping for air, because my stomach is absolutely squeezed so badly that I can barely breathe, and by now all the fat has pushed itself up all the way up to my chin cause it had to go somewhere and I'm thinking there is no way in HELL that these things are going to be comfortable. I'm sitting there waiting for them to stretch like Lindsay said they would, and I have to leave the house in fifteen minutes.

So I yank on my jeans, yeah I guess I look a bit smoother, no actually I really look like a stuffed snausage packed in it's casing, and now I'm leaving in ten minutes. I CAN'T STAND IT, I CAN'T DO THIS, I'm thinking, what if I go out and they burst at the seams. Will all the fat just explode in my jeans???? So slowly, painfully, I pull them off, thank goodness it's easier going down than it was going up. I breathe a huge sigh of relief, the fat is gone from my chin now, settling back down into my middle aged midsection where it belongs. I throw the SPANX in a drawer, thinking maybe if I lose another 20 lbs. I MIGHT be able to wear them...

Silly old broad, whatever was I thinking anyway..... You don't believe me? Well, you just go out and buy yourself a pair and see how they work out for you.... I'm not kidding, these things are just seriously WRONG!!!!

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